What is wrong with just “You look good”?  Period.

I went out clubbing in New York City and was told that.  I have been told that several times since.  I am only 36.  I could understand if I were in my 50s.  But seriously, being in my 30s and mistaken for being in my 20s then being told that I look good for my age is a bit trite.

Why is the gay community so hung up with age?  Why is it that 30 somethings want someone in their 20s?  I really don’t get it.  Are we, as a community that vain?  What the hell does a 21 year old have in common with a 38 year old?

I guess I am different in that regard.  I want someone around my age.  I want someone that I can grow old with, not that I can watch grow old or vice versa.

A lot has been going on since my last post.  I just had no desire to share it with the world…until now.

My supposed great relationship is no longer.  I know, you are thinking “poor guy”. Let me tell  you that that is far from the case.  I am happy to be single.  I, actually, have not been happier for quite some time.

I made the mistake of giving him my blogs URL early on in our relationship.  I don’t know how often he visited my blog, or if he ever did, but I no longer had that anonymity to posting.  If I posted anything, obviously he would know who I was talking about.  So, I bottled everything up.  I am now going to give myself release….

Our relationship started out well.  He was sweet, attentive, generally the nice guy I had been looking for.  The longer we were together, the more that facade started to chip away.  I found myself with someone very different that I thought he was when we started going out.

A month and a half into our relationship we had our first fight.  We were at a bar and were sitting at a table drinking when he turned to me and said, out of the blue, “You’re not the hottest one here”.  Wait,what?  Excuse me?

I know that.  It does not need to be said.  It wasn’t prompted.  We were not even talking about hottness or looks or anything close to that.  Needless to say, it put me in a bad mood, as well as made me depressed.  His friend was with us and noticed the change in my mood and asked me what was wrong.  When I told him he said “Are you kidding me?  I can’t believe he said that”.  I eventually decided to just go home and told him I was leaving.  He sent me a text message several hours later saying “Don’t ever contact me again”.

The stupid idiot that I am chased him down and tried to make up.  He needed some time.  Really?  Aren’t I the one who was put down?  After talking for about an hour, all was “well” again.

However, the running was to become the theme of our relationship.

Whenever we had a fight, he wanted to run.  To end the relationship.  I am the one who chased him down and had to smooth everything over.  Even when the fight was not my fault.

A week before Christmas we got into a fight.  He hit me.  That was the first time in my life that I have ever been hit.  I didn’t know what to do.  I’m ashamed with myself in the fact that I did not fight back.

He apologized and I accepted his apology.  At the time he was taking prescription testosterone supplements and used that as his excuse as to why he was aggressive.  I accepted his reason, but I never accepted it.  He is 40 years old and should know how to control himself.  Whether or not the supplements played a part in him hitting me, he still hit me.

On New Year’s Eve, we had another fight.  Again, he cornered me in the bedroom and was getting ready to hit me.  I laid him out flat this time.  He never touched me again.

In February, we decided to leave Delaware and move to Pennsylvania.  I hoped the move would rejuvenate our relationship.  It did.  For about a week.

The fights resumed, and he wanted to runaway.  Finally, we had a fight in early April and as usual, he wanted to leave.  This time I let him.  I had had it by that point.  I told him to get out.

His response was “I will be out by Friday” (it was Tuesday).  I think it was an effort to stall, realizing that I had reached my breaking point.  I didn’t give it.  I told him I wanted him out by the end of the day.

He left around 5 that evening and I have not heard from him since.

I did not mourn the end of our relationship, I did not shed a tear.  That evening I realized I could breathe again.  I could smile again.  I could be me again.

I have not looked back.

I am happy here in Pennsylvania.  I have made a new and great group of friends.  I have a job that I love and I have enrolled back in college.

I think I have finally found the place that I belong.  I just wish the journey wasn’t so chaotic.

We haven’t had any storms like that this year.  Oh, no.  We have had huge storms dropping over a foot at a time.  The snow is there for days, even weeks later.  Then another storm hits, adding to the horrible white stuff.

Such as today.  The region where I live got slammed with snow, with some areas getting over two feet of snow.  And more is expected in a few days.  Really?  Can’t it just be spring?  Now, please?

So, here I sit.  Snowed in and bored out of my mind.  Maybe I will join the dog and take a nap.

I had a nice Christmas today.  My partner and I baked cookies all morning and then made Christmas dinner.  It was just the two of us (and the dog).  It was one of the better Christmases that I have had in recent memory.

I found her on Craig’s List. Her previous owner couldn’t care for her any longer. She was desperately trying to find a new home for her and didn’t want to take her to a shelter.

I am really glad I decided to adopt her. She has brought a lot of joy into my life. Her favorite activites are walks, rides in the car and napping.

Today, I received a phone call from an old friend.  She called to tell me that she misses me and wants me to come up and visit.  I am thinking about coming up soon to see her.  It would be a lot of fun but hard to leave.

One, is a human entity.  We both have seen it as well as felt it’s presence.  It seems it tries to stay out of our way and stay in one of our unoccupied rooms.  It does show it’s presence by knocking and banging on random occasions.  We both have seen it as a “shadow” walking through the living room.

The other presence here, we believe, oddly enough, is a cat.  Yes, I said it, a cat.  I have seen it, it appears to be either gray or black.  I see it out of the corner of my eye, walking towards the couch and jumping up onto it, then disappearing.  I have been stretched out on the couch, stretched my legs out, and felt something curled up at the end of the couch.  When I look, of course, nothing is there.

The “problem” ghost seems to be the cat.  It seems to like me, as I feel it around me all the time.  It seems to follow me and stay around me.  The problem is, it seems to not like Thom, my partner.  He keep getting these scratches, that look like cat scratches, that appear on his body, that we have no explanation for.  Some appear as he is sitting in the chair watching t.v.  I am not quite sure what to make of all this.

I am not scared.  I am unsettled.  I have lived with the paranormal before.  I have just never experienced it when it attacks someone.  So far, it just seems to be limited to him.  I almost want to interact with it and do my own “ghost hunt”.  I want answers.  Who are they?  Why are the here?  And what do they want?

I am about to go to sleep here for the first time by myself.  Wish me luck.

I have tried and failed so many times that I now have the “why bother” mentality.  I know, statistically, that it takes more than one attempt to quit.  What if I am never successful?  What if I just can’t beat it?

On some things, I have will power made of iron.  When I want something, I make it happen.  Other times, I have no will power and cave at the slightest temptation.  I guess I need to figure out how to control my will power a bit better.

This time around, I am considering taking Chantix.  I have tried it before, and for the most part, had good results-I think.  I still smoked off and on while using it.  I know that was a bad idea, but I could also not smoke and be Okay.  I think I should have taken it for a month or two longer.  The only problem with Chantix is it’s price.  It is not covered by my insurance, and the cost was something like $160 a month when I was on it two years ago.  I am not sure I am willing to spend that much money on something that may or may not work.

My Partner threw a little party for me and I had a good time. It wasn’t anything extravagant, just some friends, some alcohol and talking around the fire pit.

Last night, my partner and I were lying on the couch watching tv. The show we were watching ended, so we turned the tv off as we were going to start to get ready for bed. We were still on the couch, talking, when we heard a distinct growl come from the kitchen. Not once, but twice, about 5 minutes apart. We don’t have any animals. We are a little perplexed as to what growled, and I am a little unsettled by it.

I am ready for summer to be over with. It is just so muggy out. I can’t stand humidity. Whenever I walk outside, it’s like I walk into a wall of humidity. It’s so gross feeling. C’mon Autumn!

The house is starting to shape up and it is really starting to feel like home. The only thing with this house is, my partner and I think we aren’t the only two here. It seems the house has, an, um…well…ghost. It seems rather benign, but it is here nonetheless. I will elaborate on that on a later post.