Well, where to begin? Yesterday, my “boyfriend” decided to end our relationship. Was I blind sided? No.
Our relationship had been rocky from the start. Why it lasted so long, I do not know. Why the relationship even got off the ground leaves me clueless as well.
We had chatted online a little and I read his blog. He seemed like a nice, sweet guy. He writes rather well, bearing his soul. He did the same on instant messenger. But..
When I first met him in person, he was an obnoxious little twit. He had little, if any social skills at all. All he seemed to want to do was get into my pants. He would sit in my lap and pretend to “ride” me. This was the weekend we first met. Yet, somehow, I saw through that front and thought I saw the person in the blog and IMs.
Instead of running screaming, in the other direction, I decided to give him a chance. I knew going in that he had some “issues”, yet I decided to accept him for who he was. He had made some mistakes in the past, but I felt that I should not hold that against him. He is human, as am I and we all do things we are not proud of.
So, the relationship began. He opened up to me, and I started to see the real “Sean” come out.
And I fell in love.
Then the problems began.
Nothing I ever did was good enough for him. Whatever I did, I never got a simple “Thank you”. He became increasingly distant. He stopped touching me, hugging me, cuddling with me, kissing me, sitting near me, having sex with me. I asked him about this on more than one occasion. Each and every time it was a different answer. I kept telling him how it made me feel. For awhile, he seemed to make an attempt, however, that did not last.
We went to North Carolina to visit his family over the holidays. The trip, overall, was a positive experience. We seemed to grow closer. At one point during the trip he told me “that he loves me more now than he did before”. He was more affectionate, holding my hand while driving, engaging in conversation with me, telling me that I was cute and that I was his. Then we came home and all of that changed.
We spent New Years Eve together, snuggled on the couch. We kissed at midnight. The next day, we had a fight. I think that fight was a turning point. The beginning of the end, so to speak.
I tried having a discussion regarding the sex issue, as we still had not had sex since Thanksgiving. It was just meant to be a discussion, but he escalated it into a fight. It wasn’t any different than any other fight we had. Yet, something changed. Something was different…
After the dust settled, I tried talking about our fight. As usual, he was not very open and receptive to talking. He eventually started to talk. He told me that he doesn’t know what his problem and that something inside had changed, but he would not elaborate any further as to what that meant. We agreed to try and work it out.
Then last night happened. I, again, asked why he was so distant and cold. In his usual manner, he was more interested in chatting online than chatting with me in person. Finally, I got him to get off of the computer.
I asked “why don’t you touch me”. His reply was “I don’t know”.
I asked “why do you sit on the other couch instead of next to me. His reply was shrugging his shoulders.
I asked “why don’t you hold my hand or give me a random hug anymore”. His reply was “I don’t know”.
I asked “if he loved me”. His reply was “I don’t know”.
I asked “if I walked out that door and you never heard from me again, would you care?”. His reply was “a little”.
And, pretty much from there, it was a downhill ride. We broke up shortly thereafter. He deleted me from Facebook. He deleted me from his life.
I am hurt, I would by lying if I said that I wasn’t. I am, however, more angry. To just be thrown away like a used sock. To be led on, an accessory for him. A plaything for when he was in the mood. To know that I never mattered…