For years I have not gone to church.  I went from a believer to almost not believing at all.  I flip-flopped for years over the subject, never quite ever getting off the proverbial fence.

I had my reasons for feeling the way I did.  They ran the gamut from seeing so much hypocrisy in the church to having too many questions and not enough answers.  Another factor was me being gay.  If God created me, how could He think I was an abomination?  I did not choose to be gay any more than a straight person chose to be straight.  Who in their right minds would choose to be gay?  I think it is something you are born with, like brown eyes or blond hair.

So, I avoided church and anything Christian.  I guess it goes with the out of sight, out of mind concept.  I lived that way for years.  Although I felt that way about God, Jesus and the Church, I still prayed on a daily basis.  I guess I never fully walked away.  I was a closet Christian.

In the autumn of 1999, a friend of mine began studying Wicca.  He started talking to me about it.  I found the concept fascinating.  The more I read, the more it seemed like a perfect fit.  It suited me.  Wicca is what you make of it.

So, for almost 10 years, I walked the Wiccan path.  That path had hills and valleys, twists and turns.  Sometimes I felt very connected with the Earth, other times I felt alone.  It filled a void in me that desperately needed filling.  Christianity never fully let it’s grip on me weaken.

When I met my ex, he was a Christian.  He attends the United Church of Christ Church.  The Church is an important part of his life.  He tries to go every Sunday.  He volunteers with the Church and is part of the youth group.  A gay Christian, imagine that.

I went to Church with him right after we met.  I found the experience to be very uncomfortable.  It was the first time I attended Church services since Christmas Eve, 1987.  How or why I remember that, I can not tell you.

I went with him a few more times.  The experience became easier and easier.  But, I still felt like an outsider looking in.  What it did do is reawaken the Christian part of me.  I feel a need to get closer to God.

I have decided to try and find my own path.  After going to his Church, I have been looking to find one I feel comfortable with.  I have attended the Universal Unitarian church.  I find it quite interesting.  It’s almost like Wicca and Christianity melded together.  The UU path is something that I am exploring.

Another path I am considering is the Metropolitan Community Church.  I have never heard of this Church until I met my ex.  It is a predominantly gay Church.  When we were in Charlotte, NC, we attended services at one.  It was the most wonderful and unique experience.  Gay men were holding hands in Church, getting Communion together; they were free to be themselves and are loved by God.

There is an MCC church nearby, and I intend on going there this Sunday.  I will see if the one here in Rehoboth is like that one.  There is also a UU in Lewes.  I will try them both out and hopefully find my fit.

Even if the UCC doesn’t seem to be the place for me, their slogan stays with me.  “God is still speaking”.  I am trying to listen.


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