Confusion has been a familiar emotion for the past few months. Something had been amiss, but I never was quite able to put my finger on it. Even now, after the fact, I still cannot put my finger on it. Why does it matter? I feel it is the “missing link”, the piece that I need to put the whole puzzle together. Without it, I cannot make sense of anything that has happened. I feel lost and alone.
Given the way things have been the past few months, I should be happy and relieved that I no longer am in that situation. I no longer have a felling of dread and that I would break down and panic. It was a constant companion, growing stronger by the day. Now that I am on my own I no longer have that.
I just can’t stop thinking of WHY? What was the whole point? Why did it have to happen the way that it did?
I am feeling despondent when I think I should be feeling apathetic. Apathy would be so much better at the moment. I feel like I am somone that is easy to leave and even easier to forget (Thanks Alanis for that line). I seem to be the only one that has mourned “us”.
With each day that passes, I feel more and more empowered. I will not let this get me so far down that I feel like I am going to drown. He simply is not worth it. I am a survivor and I will love again.
Just not today. Tomorrow doesn’t look good either.