Midnight ramblings

Confusion has been a familiar emotion for the past few months.  Something had been amiss, but I never was quite able to put my finger on it.  Even now, after the fact, I still cannot put my finger on it.  Why does it matter?  I feel it is the “missing link”, the piece that I need to put the whole puzzle together.  Without it, I cannot make sense of anything that has happened.  I feel lost and alone.

Given the way things have been the past few months, I should be happy and relieved that I no longer am in that situation.  I no longer have a felling of dread and that I would break down and panic.  It was a constant companion, growing stronger by the day.  Now that I am on my own I no longer have that.

I just can’t stop thinking of WHY?  What was the whole point?  Why did it have to happen the way that it did?

I am feeling despondent when I think I should be feeling apathetic.  Apathy would be so much better at the moment.  I feel like I am somone that is easy to leave and even easier to forget (Thanks Alanis for that line).  I seem to be the only one that has mourned “us”.

With each day that passes, I feel more and more empowered.  I will not let this get me so far down that I feel like I am going to drown.  He simply is not worth it.  I am a survivor and I will love again.

Just not today.  Tomorrow doesn’t look good either.


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