The distance between us


I just heard that the problems that my ex was fearing came to fruition this morning, at least partly.  He woke up this morning to go to work and found out that his car had been repossessed. We had been fearing this as he is in way over his head financially.  I had offered (last Friday, to be exact) for him to “hide” the car until his bankruptcy went through and I would take him to work and pick him up.  We knew it would have been a pain in the ass, but what other choice did we have?

I feel really bad for him.  I want to be there for him.  I don’t, however, feel that he wants me there.  After several of the fights  we had, he kept telling me that he didn’t want me around to witness his “downfall”.  I told him that I didn’t care about his material possessions.  I cared about him. I told him he could lose everything and I would still be there by his side.

Now he is in danger of losing his job as he no longer has a way to get there. If he loses his job, he loses his medical insurance.  If he loses his medical insurance, he can die as he no longer get the medications he needs to control his HIV.

I really don’t know what to do.  I am currently living two hours away from him.  Part of me wants to get in the car and drive up to him and just hold him.  The other part of me says just to stay out of it, it’s not my problem anymore. Unfortunately, at this moment in time, the first voice is the loudest.  I told him on more than one occasion that I would always be there for him.  And, I am not.

Granted, it was his choice for me to leave.  I’m not entirely certain that is what he wanted.  As stated earlier, he told me he didn’t want me around to witness when he hits rock bottom.  He said that he didn’t want anyone around, that he was intentionally pushing everyone away.  Why do that to the people that love and care for you the most when he will need them the most?

After all is said and done, I still would drop everything and rush up there to be by his side.  I still love him.

I hope and pray that he makes it through this.

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