Up in smoke


Smoking is such a crutch for me.  I smoke when I am bored.  I smoke when I am angry.  I smoke when I am happy.  I smoke when I am driving.  I smoke for no reason in paticular.

I have tried to quit a million times before.  Each and everytime has been met with failure.  I start smoking again because of one of my “triggers”.

I often wonder if I am totally comitted to smoking.  On the surface, I hate smoking. I hate smelling like an ashtray, my mouth tasting bad, something having control over me.  However, I think, deep down, I like to smoke.  It buck the societal norm.  It makes me a “bad” boy.  I think some part of me likes that.

I used Chantix during the summer of 2007.  I managed to quit for a few months.  I started smoking again for a dumb reason.  On breaks, I didn’t know what to do with myself.  So, I went outside as I had always done.  I struck up friendships with the smokers out there.  Soon enough, I started asking to bum cigarettes.  Before I knew it, I was at the store buying my own cigarettes.

Now, I am making yet another attempt.  I started wearing the patch on December 23rd.  The first few days went swimmingly.  I didn’t want a cigarette.  I didn’t think about cigarettes.  Then BAM!  All of a sudden I couldn’t get smoking out of my head.  The more I thought about it, the more I wanted one.  Eventually, I caved.  I had A cigarette.  After that, I was good for a few more days.

I think I chose to quit at the wrong time.  When I started, I was in North Carolina visiting my ex’s family.  I found the experience to be stressful.  The last two days there I decided to just stop wearing the patch and to smoke.

When I came home, I resumed the patch.  I also continued to smoke.  Granted, I wasn’t smoking the 1 1/2 – 2 packs a day I was.  I was down to about 5-10 cigarettes a day.  But, I still hadn’t given it up.

So far today, I have not had one.  I sincerely hope to keep it that way.  I really want to quit, I really do.

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