Smoking is such a crutch for me. I smoke when I am bored. I smoke when I am angry. I smoke when I am happy. I smoke when I am driving. I smoke for no reason in paticular.
I have tried to quit a million times before. Each and everytime has been met with failure. I start smoking again because of one of my “triggers”.
I often wonder if I am totally comitted to smoking. On the surface, I hate smoking. I hate smelling like an ashtray, my mouth tasting bad, something having control over me. However, I think, deep down, I like to smoke. It buck the societal norm. It makes me a “bad” boy. I think some part of me likes that.
I used Chantix during the summer of 2007. I managed to quit for a few months. I started smoking again for a dumb reason. On breaks, I didn’t know what to do with myself. So, I went outside as I had always done. I struck up friendships with the smokers out there. Soon enough, I started asking to bum cigarettes. Before I knew it, I was at the store buying my own cigarettes.
Now, I am making yet another attempt. I started wearing the patch on December 23rd. The first few days went swimmingly. I didn’t want a cigarette. I didn’t think about cigarettes. Then BAM! All of a sudden I couldn’t get smoking out of my head. The more I thought about it, the more I wanted one. Eventually, I caved. I had A cigarette. After that, I was good for a few more days.
I think I chose to quit at the wrong time. When I started, I was in North Carolina visiting my ex’s family. I found the experience to be stressful. The last two days there I decided to just stop wearing the patch and to smoke.
When I came home, I resumed the patch. I also continued to smoke. Granted, I wasn’t smoking the 1 1/2 – 2 packs a day I was. I was down to about 5-10 cigarettes a day. But, I still hadn’t given it up.
So far today, I have not had one. I sincerely hope to keep it that way. I really want to quit, I really do.