I want a boyfriend, someone to share life with. I want someone for when the times are good as well as bad. Someone to love me unconditionally. I had that once, but I let him go. I think that was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. He is the only person that I knew loved me for me. He didn’t care about what I could do for him, how much money I made, the computer I used or if I went to church. It was me that he loved. Just plain me.
We were together for a little over 4 years. They were 4 mostly good years. But, we were young. I was 22 when I met him. At that time, I didn’t know what I wanted. I hadn’t a clue. My whole life was ahead of me. I didn’t want to settle down at that time and regret not having experiences not yet known to me. I was young and stupid.
So, I ended the relationship. When I broke up with him, I knew deep down inside that I was making an enormous mistake. But, it was something that I had to do. Him and I have remained friends and still get together from time to time.
After him, I had another good run at a relationship. I was with him for about 3 years and we broke up in May 2005. We ended up growing apart and wanting different things out of life. When we broke up, I knew it was time. It was painful, but the right thing to do. I knew that in my heart. We have also remained friends.
I haven’t had much success in the dating world since then. I have dated some and had a few short-lived relationships, but nothing too great. They lacked the passion of those two relationships. It was almost as if I knew from the very beginning that they would not last.
As I sit here writing this, I am looking at all of the couples that pass by and envy what they have. That which I cannot keep.
I am afraid. I am gay and 35. In the gay world, youth is everything. People my age want younger. People older than me want younger (as in their twenties). People younger than me want younger. It is a very youth oriented culture.
I don’t have the youthful looks or attitude I once had. I don’t have tons of money. I don’t have a buff bod. I don’t enjoy going to clubs which seem to be the center of the gay universe. I honestly am beginning to feel that I have nothing left to offer anyone.